Memories That Don’t Move On

I stay up late thinking about you. I’m no longer at peace with myself or with the world around me. I try to tell myself it’s okay and I try so, so hard, to believe it. I miss you every second I'm awake, but when I'm sleeping, you’re there too. Your pictures hang around my room in photo albums, my bathroom mirror, my phone case, but I can’t throw them away. When I look at myself, I feel and see nothing but utter disgust. I look at the world around me and see nothing but the hopes of people, their dreams, their wives, husbands, moms, dads, all hopes were high but they fell short. I never expected us to fall short, I had high expectations and really did for the first time ever believe in those expectations.

 I can’t say I feel empty because that’s not it. I still think, but the thoughts just surround you and me. I try to think of other scenarios, ones where I never met you, ones in a world you didn’t exist in, but somehow, you’re still there, lingering in the shadows of lost love, disappointment,  and heartache. You burrowed yourself so far into my brain, and I can’t poke you out, no matter how hard I try. Everything in my room reminds me of you, even though you’ve never stepped a foot in through the door. I check my phone relentlessly, waiting for the text that tells me you want me back, that you didn’t mean any of it, and how much you love me. I know though, no matter how much I wish or pray, that text won’t ever come–-not even a phone call. I gave you what I could, sparing my already broken heart. I was trying to mend yours, but so much so, it was a terrible job. No one can convince me that it wasn’t my fault—my attitude, my clinginess, my selfishness—I made you feel trapped. I know you wouldn’t admit it, but it is true. I told you I was trying, I promised you I would get better, I just needed time, time you never gave me. 

I knew you were gonna go a few days before, especially the day before. Still, it felt like a shock I wasn't ready for. The second I read you were apologizing for what you were about to do, I couldn’t breathe. My mind spiraled into every promise, every moment, every word we had shared. I started shaking, unable to see clearly, my tears blurring my vision. I typed back my response, begging you not to, but you didn’t ever listen to what I asked, so why would you just then start? I know that whatever I do, the memories will always be there. What hurts though is knowing there won’t be any new ones–just the old ones frozen in time. I’ve never wished anything bad to happen to you, and I still don't. I do wish that you don’t cause pain to anyone else, not even a little bit. You left me once and then promised you wouldn’t again. The fault was mine for believing that, believing I could put so much trust into you and still expect you to stay. It hurts right now, i’m hoping it’ll get better but it’s been a while and i still feel punched in the heart.