Why would you have even done it?
If you’re embarrassed about the acts that you’ve done to another person, then why would you have done it at all? If you knew that what you were doing would have hurt them, then why would you still put little to no effort into a half-hearted apology as if it was something on your to-do list for the day? You keep the reasoning and apology short and rushed, like you’re trying to escape the discomfort of your actions. The way you had left before they had gotten a chance to speak, to get what they would’ve liked off their chest, or the questions they would’ve liked the answers to. The way you just left and were gone doesn’t show any maturity or strength, it shows how timorous you are and how much respect you had for that person. I know that this makes me seem like a very insecure, dramatic, and maybe obsessed person. Still, why would you start something emotional with someone who makes it obvious she lets things get to her, add another problem she doesn’t need to think about, and then not stick around to hear her last words to you?
Taking accountability for your actions is just part of being a decent human being and really doesn’t take a lot of doing so. You know that you’ve gotten over it, but you still think about it. Part of you wants them to go away forever, and you never see them again, but the other half wants them to come back just so you can tell them what you think. When the moments get quiet, like late at night when it’s just you and your thoughts, when you're in class and you’re given work to do, or even just when it gets quiet out and all you can hear is the cars passing by or the trees rustling. You tell yourself that you’ve gotten over it, but you start thinking about it more than you would like to admit. Some parts of you would love it, they would never come back. Like a memory lost in time. Pushed into the furthest parts of your brain, never to be thought about again.
On the other hand, though, you want them back. You think of all these scenarios of what you would say. From screaming and making them feel terrible down to just asking them a simple why? The thing, though, that you come to realize is that you don’t exactly need closure from it. You just need a little understanding. You need them to understand how you felt in that moment. So many questions racing, the sickness when you read it, the way you thought of it when they told you they wouldn’t have been gone, especially so soon. You think about what you had shared with them and slowly realize how it was all one-sided. You need them to understand that even if it’s just a little bit.